This is the beginning of my on-line quotes.
Eventually I am going to break them up into categories and try and bring a little order to the chaos.
»» Funny Quotes ««


1. Its' not the maker of the sword, but the courage and skill of the swordsman that win the day. -Robert M. Irwin

2. I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside. - W.C. Fields

3. It is not right to pervert the judge by moving him to anger or pity - one might as well warp a carpenter's rule before using it. - Aristotle

4. It is better to be hated for what one is than loved for what one is not. ---Andre Gide

5. 'Fault' means failure to meet a standard. Whose? Mine. --Hugh Prather

6. Most people are like a falling leaf that drifts and turns in the air, flutters, and falls to the ground. But a few others are like stars which travel one defined path: no wind reaches them, they have within themselves their guide and path. --Herman Hesse

7. People sometimes forget that a rat race can be won only by a rat. --Paul Palmer

8. Respect is love in plain clothes. --Frankie Byrne

9. Their guilt made me eloquent because I was not its victim. --Albert Camus: The Fall

10. If you never heard opportunity knock, maybe you're never at home. --Marilyn vos Savant

11. Being right half the time beats being half-right all the time. --Malcolm Forbes

12. Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope. -- P.J. O'Rourke

13.The Fool And The Wise Man Are Equally harmless; it is the half-wise and the foolish who are to be feared.

14. The most distrusting persons are often the greatest dupes. - Paul De Gondi

15. Our visions of what is better are always informed by our perception of what is bad about our present situation. --Lugones & Spelman

16. Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. --Theodore Roosevelt

17. The river is everywhere at the same time...everywhere and the present only exists for it, not the shadow of the past, nor the shadow of the future. --Herman Hesse

18. Proof is never definitive, after all; one has to begin again with each new person. --Albert Camus

19. Want a thing long enough, and you don't. --Chinese Proverb

20. You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.... You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.------Eleanor Rosevelt

21. Half-truths are like half a brick--they can be thrown farther. --Vice Admiral Human G. Rickover

22. Conversations and criticism take place in particular circumstances. Turf matters. --Lugones & Spelman

23. The hardest thing in the world to open is a closed mind. --Modern Maturity

24. Feeling is what you get for thinking the way you do. --Marilyn vos Savant

25. To be wronged is nothing, unless you continue to remember it. --Confucius

26. Eighty percent of mankind is stuff to fill graves with ---Ford Madox Ford

27. If all difficulties were known at the outset of a long journey, most of us would never start out at all. --Dan Rather

28. I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. --Edith Sitwell

29. Do the best you can in every task, no matter how unimportant it may seem at the time. No one learns more about a problem than the person at the bottom. --Sandra Day O'Connor

30. The only way to have a friend is to be one. --Ralph Waldo Emerson

31. Curiosity will conquer fear even more than bravery will. --James Stephens

32. Wisdom is nothing but a preparation of the soul, a capacity, a secret art of thinking, feeling and breathing thoughts of unity at every moment of life. --Herman Hesse

33. The act of love...is a confession. Selfishness screams aloud, vanity shows off, or else true generosity reveals itself. --Albert Camus

34. The smart ones ask when they don't know. And, sometimes, when they do. --Malcolm S. Forbes

35. Life is like a penis. When it's soft you can't beat it and when it's hard you get fucked. --Unknown

36. Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got. --Janis Joplin

37. A fool is someone whose pencil wears out before its eraser does. --Marilyn vos Savant

38. The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook. --William James

39. Complaining about exclusion is a way of remaining silent. --Lugones & Spelman

40. A modest man is usually admired--if people ever hear of him. --Ed Howe

41. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. --Eleanor Roosevelt

42. You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try. --Beverly Sills

43. Always try to be a little kinder than necessary. --James M. Barrie

44. In about the same degree as you are helpful, you will be happy. --Karl Reiland

45. The gift of happiness belongs to those who unwrap it. --Andrew Dunbar

46. To err is human; to admit it, superhuman. --Doug Larson

47. What single ability do we all have? The ability to change. --Leonard Andrews

48. Capital punishment is as fundementally wrong as a cure for crime as charity is wrong as a cure for poverty. --Henry Ford

49. Time is the father of truth, and experience is the mother of all things. --John Florio

50. I sometimes give myself admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it. --Mary Wortley Montagu

51. Happiness is contagious. Be a carrier!! --Robert Orben

52. The eyes shout what the lips fear to say. --Will Henry

53. Luste is lorde of al: it hath overcome Lordes, Learned Men,Wise and eloquent: it hath vanquished the gretest Knights that have ben. -- John Florio

54. The excellent is new forever. --Ralph Waldo Emerson

55. A little explained, a little endured, a little forgiven, the quarrel is cured. --Mary H. Waldrip

56. The most wonderful thing about miracles is that they sometimes happen. --G.K. Chesterson

57. Luck is largely a matter of paying attention. --Susan M. Dodd

58. Art is vice. One does not wed it, one rapes it. -- Edgar Degas

59. You're who you think you are, even if you never admit it to yourself or to anyone else. You may be in the worst position to judge, but you're in the best position to know. --Marilyn vos Savant

60. We have to fight our own niceness because it clouds our minds and hearts. --Lugones & Spelman

61. It hurts to thwart the reflexes of grab, of clutch; to love and let go again and again. --Margie PIercy

62. If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one. --Mother Teresa

63. There is still today, and tomorrow fresh with dreams: Life never grows old. --Rita Duskin

64. Perfectionism is the enemy of creation, as extreme self-solicitude is the enemy of well-being. --John Updike

65. Everything that was not suffered to the end and finally concluded, recurred, and the same sorrows were undergone. --Herman Hesse

66. Genius is another word for magic, and the whole point of magic is that it is inexplicable. --Margot Fonteyn

67. You realize, of course, that everything I say is horseshit. --Kurt Vonnegut

68. Serving ones own passions is the greatest slavery. --Thomas Fuller

69.What you can do, or dream you can, begin it: Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. --Goethe

70. We do not remember days; we remember moments. --Cesare Pavese

71. It is always wise to stop wishing for things long enough to enjoy the fragrance of those now flowering. --Patricia Clafford

72. The word "listen" contains the same letters as the word "silent". --Alfred Brendel

73. Nothing produces such odd result as trying to get even. --Franklin P. Jones

74. Home is where we tie one end of the thread of life. --Martin Buxbaum

75. I make mistakes; I'll be the second to admit it. --Jean Kerr

76. Life and death are but phases of the same thing, the reverse and obverse of the same coin.....I want you to treasure death and suffering more than life and to accept their cleansing and purifying character. -- Mohandes Gandhi

77. Tact is the rare talent for not admitting you were right in the first place. --Funny Funny World

78. The best eraser in the world is a good night's sleep. --O.A. Battista

79. I am not what I think I am. I am not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am. --Bleiberg and Leubling

80. Spaniards can be impressed by the courtesy of the conqueror, French by his riches, Greeks by his respect for the arts, Jews by his moral integrity, Africans by his calm and authoritative bearing, but Germans are impressed by none of those things. They must be struck into the dust, struck down again as they rise. Struck again while they lie groaning, while their wounds still pain them; they will respect the hand that dealt them. --Germanicus Caesar

81. To many of today's parents, youth is stranger than fiction. --The Houghton Line

82. Do not let the good things in life rob you of the best things. --Buster Rothman

83. When the body is sad, the heart languishes. --Albert Camus

84. A new broom sweeps clean, but the old brush knows the corners. --Irish Proverb

85. Happiness is a way station between too much and too little. --Channing Pollock

86. Lovers should not separate from each other after making love without admiring each other, without being conquered as well as conquering, so that no feeling of satiation or desolation arises nor the horrid feeling of misusing or having been misused. --Herman Hesse

87. Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no straight lines. - R. Buckminster Fuller

88.To the victor belong the responsibilities. --Al Bernstein

89. A 45-year old looks a lot like a 25-year old who's been out all night. And feels just as good about having survived the experience. --Marilyn vos Savant

90.If all mankind minus one were of one opinion, and only one person were of the contrary opinion, mankind would be no more justified in silencing that one person, that he, if he had the power, would be justified in silencing mankind.--- John Stuart Mill.

91. It's not easy taking problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line. --Reader's Digest

92. Happiness lies in our own backyard, but it's probably well hidden by crabgrass. --Dell Crossword Puzzles

93. A wish is a desire without an attempt. --Reader's Digest

94. My philosophy is to make the most of all that comes, and the least of all that goes. --Teresa Watkins: Intern at BHS

95. One-half of life is luck; the other half is discipline--and that's the important half, for without discipline you wouldn't know what to do with luck. --Carl Zuckmayer

96. People help each other through a crisis by each supposing that the other can handle it better than he himself can. --Frank A. Clark

97. Loving behavior contributes to the group at the expense of the individual. Competition contributes to the survival of the individual at the expense of the group. In the garden of life, some people are more like flowers, and other people are more like weeds. --Marilyn vos Savant

98. Character is a strange blending of flinty strength and pliable warmth. --Robert Shaffer

99. If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them. --Henry David Thoreau

100. What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up Like a raisin in the sun? Maybe it just sags Like a heavy load. Or does it explode? --Langston Hughes

101. To know how other people behave takes intelligence, but to know myself takes wisdom. To manage other people's lives takes strength, but to manage my own life takes true power. If I am content with what I have, I can live simply and enjoy both prosperity and free time. If my goals are clear, I can achieve them without fuss. If I am at peace with myself, I will not spend my life force in conflicts. If I have learned to let go, I do not need to fear dying. --John Heider: The Tao Of Leadership

102. Why should we live with such hurry and waste of life? We are determined to be starved before we are hungry. Men say that a stitch in time saves nine, and so they take a thousand stitches today to save nine tomorrow. --Henry David Thoreau

103. You're who you think you are, even if you never admit it to yourself or to anyone else. You may be in the worst position to judge, but you're in the best position to know. --Marilyn vos Savant

104. The leader teaches more through being than through doing. The quality of one's silence conveys more than long speeches. --John Heider

105. We have to fight our own niceness because it clouds our minds and hearts. --Lugones & Spelman

106. We put thirty spokes to make a wheel: But it is on the hole in the center that the use of the cart hinges. We make a vessel from a lump of clay; But it is the empty space within the vessel that makes it useful. We make doors and windows for a room; But it is the empty spaces that make the room livable. Thus, while existence has advantages, It is the emptiness that makes it useful. --Lao Tzu

107. It hurts to thwart the reflexes of grab, of clutch; to love and let go again and again. --Margie PIercy

108. "I must do something" will always solve more problems than "Something must be done." --Bits & Pieces

109. There is still today, and tomorrow fresh with dreams: Life never grows old. --Rita Duskin

110. Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced. --James Baldwin

111. Everything that was not suffered to the end and finally concluded, recurred, and the same sorrows were undergone. --Herman Hesse

112. Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better. --Herman Hesse

113. Men are never convinced of your reasons, of your sincerity, of the seriousness of your sufferings, except by your death. So long as you are alive, your case is doubtful; you have a right only to their skepticism. --Albert Camus

114. The most prominent place in hell is reserved for those who are neutral on the great issues of life. --Billy Graham

115. All men are born equal but the tough job is to outgrow it. --Don Leary

116. Everybody wants sympathy, but nobody wants people feeling sorry for them. --Beryl Pfizer

117. Nothing ever built arose to touch the skies unless some man dreamed that it should, some man believed that it could, and some man willed that it must. --Charles F. Kettering

118. Optimist are nostalgic about the future. --Chicago Tribune

119. What you can do, or dream you can, begin it: Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. --Goethe

120. Before you borrow money from a friend, decide which you need more. --Gene Brown

121. Happiness is the art of making a bouquet of those flowers within reach. --Bob Goddard

122. It is always wise to stop wishing for things long enough to enjoy the fragrance of those now flowering. --Patricia Clafford

123. There is a difference between not thinking of someone and forgetting him. --Werner Kraus

124. Blisters are a painful experience, but if you get enough blisters in the same place, they will eventually produce a callus. That is what we call maturity. --Herbert Miller

125. Nothing produces such odd result as trying to get even. --Franklin P. Jones

126. All great discoveries are made by men whose feelings run ahead of their thinking. --Charles H. Parkhurst

127. Success is not permanent. The same is also true of failure. --Dell Crossword

128. Reflect upon your present blessings--of which every man has many--not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some. --Charles Dickens

129.Speak the truth, but leave immediately after. --Slovenian Proverb

130. Be bold in what you stand for and careful what you fall for. --Ruth Boorstin

131. I make mistakes; I'll be the second to admit it. --Jean Kerr

132. When something important is going on, silence is a lie. --A.M. Rosenthal

133. Truth always originates in a minority of one, and every custom begins as a broken precedent. --Will Durant

134. Money talks--but credit has an echo. --Bob Thaves

135. The best eraser in the world is a good night's sleep. --O.A. Battista

136. Apathy is the glove into which evil slips its hand. --Bodie Thoene

137. If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. --Milton Berle

138. People are always making rules for themselves and always finding loop- holes. --William Rotsler

139. The goal of fasting is inner unity. This means hearing but not with the ear; hearing, but not with the understanding; it is hearing with the spirit, with your whole being....the hearing of the spirit is not limited to any one faculty, to the ear, or to the mind. Hence, it demands the emptiness of all the faculties. And when the faculties are empty, then the whole being listens. There is then a direct grasp of what is right before you that can never be heard with the ear or understood with the mind. Fasting of the heart empties the faculties, frees you from limitations and from preoccupations. --Thomas Merton

140. To face others is to decide that maybe we can change our situation in self-constructive ways. --Lugones & Spelman

141. I don't think I handle the notes much differently from other pianists. But the pauses between the notes--ah, there is where the artistry lies!! --Artur Schnabel

142. May heaven protect us, cher monsieur, from being set on a pedestal by our friends!!! --Albert Camus

143.If...happiness is the absence of fever then I will never know happiness. For I am posessed by a fever for knowledge, experience and creation. --AnŠis Nin

144. If you get what you want, you'll deserve it...and if you don't, you'll manage. --School Ties

145. That seems to be the way of things. Everyone takes, everyone gives. Life is like that. --Herman Hesse

146. I'd rather be rejected than used because they both amount to the same thing in the end, but being used takes a lot longer. --Marilyn vos Savant

147. It takes less time to do a thing right than to explain why you did it wrong. --Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

148. If it's painful for you to criticize your friends, you're safe in doing it; if you take the slightest pleasure in it, that's the time to hold your tongue. --Alice Duer Miller

149. No one is rich enough to do without a neighbor. --Danish Proverb

150. Other things may change us, but we start and end with family. --Reader's Digest

151. I have often been adrift, but I have always stayed afloat. --David Berry

152. I have always held firmly to the thought that each one of us can do a little to bring some portion of misery to an end. --Albert Schweitzer

153. You never realize what a good memory you have until you try to forget something. --Franklin P. Jones

154. Most of us are umpires at heart; we like to call balls and strikes on somebody else. --Leo Aikman

155. Most of the change we think we see in life is due to truths being in and out of favor. --Robert Frost

156. Silence is the safety zone of conversation. --Arnold H. Glasow

157. Happiness is being married to your best friend. --Barbara Weeks

158. Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. --Abraham Lincoln

160. Fears, indecision, and frustration feed on words. Without words they usually stop...Words are at times good for looking back, but they are confining when I need to act in the present. --Hugh Prather

161. I enjoyed my own nature to the fullest, and we all know that there lies happiness, although, to soothe one another mutually, we occasionally pretend to condemn such joys as selfishness. --Albert Camus

162. Crowding a life does not always enrich it. --Reader's Digest

163. To recognize causes is to think, and through thought alone feelings become knowledge and are not lost, but become real and begin to mature. --Herman Hesse

164. Pull yourself together is seldom said to anyone who can. --Reader's Digest

165. You can't run a society or cope with its problems if people are not held accountable for what they do. --John Leo

166. If you risk nothing, then you risk everything. --Geena Davis

167. Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. --General George S. Patton, Jr.

168. Pride is tasteless, colorless, and sizeless. Yet it is the hardest thing to swallow. --August B. Black

169. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen. --Earl Wilson

170. If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere. --Frank A. Clark

171. Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and celebrate the journey!! --Barbara Hoffman

172. The most important things in life aren't things. --Illinois First Christian Church

173. The quality of a man's life is in direct proportion to his commitment to excellence, regardless of his chosen field of endeavor. --Vince Lombardi

174. The true idealist pursues what his heart says is right in a way that his head says will work. --Richard Nixon

175. Nothing will divide this nation more than ignorance, and nothing can bring us together better than an educated population. --John Sculley

176. Many people today don't want honest answers insofar as honest means unpleasant or disturbing. They want a soft answer that turneth away anxiety. --Louis Kronenberger

177. The magnitude of an action may change not only the strength of its impact, but the direction. If you became a dentist, for example, you would certainly be an asset to our society. But what if everyone became a dentist? Who would bake the bread? Who would build the houses? --Marilyn vos Savant

178. What I admire in Columbus is not his having discovered a world but his having gone to search for it on the faith of an opinion. --A. Robert Turgot

179. Write injuries in sand, kindnesses in marble. --French Proverb

180. I love life--that's my real weakness. I love it so much that I am incapable of imagining what is not life. --Albert Camus

181. You will stay young as long as you learn, form new habits and don't mind being contradicted. --Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

182. Freedom always carries a burden of proof, always throws us back on ourselves. --Shelby Steele

183. Real courage is when you know you're licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what. --Reader's Digest

184. Humor is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of man's superiority to all that befalls him. --Romain Gary

185. That seems to be the way of things. Everyone takes, everyone gives. Life is like that. --Herman Hesse

186. If we have our own 'why' of life, we can bear almost any 'how.' --Friedrich Nietzsche

187. The love of liberty is the love of others; the love of power is the love of ourselves. --Reader's Digest

188. Imagination is the highest kite one can fly. --Lauren Bacall

189. Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. --Reader's Digest

190. Change is a measure of time and, in the autumn, time seems speeded up. What was is not and never again will be; what is is change. --Edwin Way Teale

191. I want to look at life in the available light. --Rush: Presto

192. Success may be the ability to be happy with whatever we're stuck with. --Marilyn vos Savant

193. It's no secret that a friend is someone who lets you help; it's no secret that a liar won't believe anyone else. --U2: Achtung Baby

194. Just remember--when you think all is lost, the future remains. --Bob Goddard

195. Nostalgia is recalling the fun without reliving the pain. --The National Enquirer

196. Listening to both sides of a story will convince you that there is more to a story than both sides. --Frank Tyger

197. Some people suffer in silence louder than others. --Reader's Digest

198. Forgive your enemies--if you can't get back at them any other way. --Franklin P. Jones

199. Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor, to console him for what he is. --Wall Street Journal

200. If you cannot win, make the one ahead of you break the record. --Jan McKeithen

201. The trick is to hold opinions without letting opinions hold you. --Reader's Digest

202. Kindness consists in loving people more than they deserve. --Joseph Joubert

203. There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have. --Reader's Digest

204. Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor. --Truman Capote

205. Knowledge can be communicated, but not wisdom. One can find it, live it, be fortified by it, do wonders through it, but one cannot communicate and teach it.--Herman Hesse

206. Our prayers are answered not when we are given what we ask but when we are challenged to be what we can be. --Morris Alder

207. You get the most out of what you need the least. --Jane Bryant Quinn

208. There is often less danger in the things we fear than in the things we desire. --John C. Collins

209. Mon cher ami, let's not give them any pretext, no matter how small, for judging us!!! Otherwise, we'll be left in shreds. We are forced to take the same precautions as the animal trainer. If, before going into the cage, he has the misfortune to cut himself while shaving, what a feast for the wild animals!! --Albert Camus

210. We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done. --Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

211. One of the most lasting pleasures you can experience is the feeling that comes over you when you genuinely forgive an enemy--whether he knows it or not. --O.A. Battista

212. Having the opportunity to talk about one's life, to give an account of it, to interpret it, is integral to leading that life rather than being led through it. --Lugones & Spelman

213. If you ask enough people, you can usually find someone who'll advise you to do what you were going to do anyway. --Weston Smith

214. Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson. You find the present tense and the past perfect. --Orben's Comedy

215. Trying to impress others does--usually in quite the opposite way. --Malcolm S. Forbes

216. A conference is just an admission that you want somebody to join you in your troubles. --Will Rogers

217. The search for a scapegoat is the easiest of all hunting expeditions. --Reader's Digest

218. Always put off until tomorrow what you shouldn't do at all. --Morris Mandel

219. Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant with the weak and the wrong. Sometime in your life you will have been all of these. --Bob Goddard

220. We are tomorrow's past. --Mary Webb

221. Ultimately, our future is like a mirror. Whenever we face it, it always reflects what we left behind. --Marilyn vos Savant

222. It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite. --- Sam Levenson

223. Learning is not attained by chance. It must be sought for with ardor and attended to with diligence. --Abigail Adams

224. If we're going to go insane, we may as well go all the way. A mere shred of sanity is of no use whatsoever. --- anonymous

225. How a person masters his fate is more important then what his fate is. --Wilhelm von Humboldt

226. No two men are alike, and both of them are happy for it. --Morris Mandel

227. I'll grant the random access to my heart, Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove And in our bound partition never part. --- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"

228. We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?" unless we ask the same question for every joy that comes our way. --Philip S.Bernstein

229. Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to discover your mistakes. --Antisthenes

230. We usually see only the things we are looking for--so much so that we sometimes see them where they are not. --Eric Hoffer

231. We wish to inspire the preference we feel; love must be mutual. --Elizabeth Rapaport

232. Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms, and they'll call you crazy. - "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"

233. You can judge your age by the amount of pain you feel when you come in contact with a new idea. --Reader's Digest

234. An error becomes a mistake when we refuse to admit it. --Marilyn vos Savant

235. You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --- Dean Martin

236. All the intellectual and moral inequalities of the sexes are neutralized by the mutual recognition of the need for love. --Elizabeth Rapaport

237. Nothing's so cold as closing the heart when all we need is to free the soul. --Toad the Wet Sprocket

238. It is better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all. --James Thurber

239. You grow up the day you have your first real laugh--at yourself. --Ethel Barrymore

240. A man that studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green. --Francis Bacon

241. Now's the time to turn the tide, now's the time to fight. Let us not go gently to the endless winter night. Now's the time to make the time while hope is still in sight. --Rush: Presto

242. There are times when forgetting can be just as important as remembering and even more difficult. --Harry & Joan Miller

243. In short, the moment I grasped that there was something to judge in me, I realized that there was in them an irresistible vocation for judgment. --Albert Camus

244. In feudal Japan, samurai held immense power. Often, they were the judge, jury, and executioner. They commanded the absolute respect and fear of their subject ... yet still had to ask for money from their wives... ---Jeff Grubb

245. Temptation usually comes in through a door that has deliberately been left open. --Reader's Digest

246. Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy. --Howard W. Newton

247. Little things console us because little things afflict us. --Blaise Pascal

248. If you think you have someone eating out of your hand, it's a good idea to count your fingers. --Martin Buxbaum

249. Men and women are equal in love. They are equally vulnerable and equally powerful. --Elizabeth Rapaport

250. Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do. --Benjamin Spock, M.D.

251. Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings. ---George Will

252. Question authority, but raise your hand first. --Reader's Digest

253. Far away is only far away if you don't go there. --Reader's Digest

254. An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame. --Sam Ewing

255. One disadvantage of having nothing to do is you can't stop and rest. --Reader's Digest

256. Love is like a violin. The music may stop now and then, but the strings remain forever. --Unknown

257. There is always danger for those who are afraid of it. --Bernard Shaw

258. The mistakes made by Congress wouldn't be so bad if the next Congress didn't keep trying to correct them. --Cullen Hightower

259. Dig the well before you are thirsty. --Chinese Proverb

260. All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. --Mark Twain

261. People throw away what they could have by insisting on perfection, which they cannot have, and looking for it where they will never find it. ---Unknown

262. If we need another, the terrible possibility remains that their gratification of our need will be withdrawn. --Elizabeth Rapaport

263. Dread is a remote infinity of possibility. --Howard P. Kainz, Jr.

264. If time is not real, then the dividing line between this world and eternity, between suffering and bliss, between good and evil, is also an illusion. --Herman Hesse

265. You're never a loser until you quit trying. --Mike Ditka

266. Efficiency is intelligent laziness. --Arnold H. Glasow

267. Courage is like love--it must have hope to nourish it. --Napoleon Bonaparte

268. A pedestal is as much a prison as any small space. --Gloria Steinem

269. Desperation is a tender trap--it gets you every time. --U2: Achtung Baby

271. Next to power without honor, the most dangerous thing in the world is power without humor. --Eric Sevareid

272. Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces. --Anne Morrow Lindbergh

273. A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both. --Reader's Digest

274. Look to this day. For it is life, the very life of life. Yesterday is but a dream, and tomorrow is only a vision, but today well spent makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope. --From Sanskrit Salutations to the Dawn

275. Add one small bit to the truth and you inevitably subtract from it. --Dell Crossword Puzzles

276. My chief want in life is someone who shall make me do what I can. --Ralph Waldo Emerson

277. The liberation of the human mind has never been furthered by dunderheads --H. L. Mencken

278. If you would be pungent, be brief; for it is with words as with sunbeams. The more they are condensed, the deeper they burn. --Robert Southey

279. In quarreling, the truth is always lost. --Publilius Syrus

280. We can often endure an extra pound of pain far more easily than we can suffer the withdrawal of an ounce of acustomed pleasure. --Reader's Digest

281. You can get off at any of the stops on the bus to hell; you don't have to stay on until the end of the line.

A word of warning. If you decide to get back on later you'll have to pay again. Unless, of course, you happen to have a Bus Pass to Hell. If you're hell-bent on getting to hell, the Taxi to Hell is probably the better way to go. In my experience the busses usually run late and can be unpredictable. The drivers are not much help either and have been known to drop the inexperienced rider off in Purgatory by mistake.

282. How often we are offended by not being offered something we do not really want. --Reader's Digest

283. Courage is the complement of fear. A man who is fearless cannot be courageous. -- Robert Heinlein

284. Hatred is love frustrated. --Ashley Montagu

285. We are all mortal until the first kiss and the second glass of wine. --Eduardo Galeano

286. Ideas are very much like children--your own are wonderful. --Approved Crossword Puzzles

287. In the long run men hit only what they aim at. --Henry David Thoreau

288. Genius is initiative on fire. --Holbrook Jackson

289. A compliment is verbal sunshine. --Robert Orben

290. Those who agree with us may not be right, but we admire their astuteness. --Cullen Hightower

291. It's not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves. --Edmund Hillary

292. Patience is the companion of wisdom. --St. Augustine

293. When things are bad, we take comfort in the thought that they could always be worse. And when they are, we find hope in the thought that things are so bad they have to get better. --Malcolm S. Forbes

294. Fable is more historical than fact, because fact tells us about one man and fable tells us about a million men. --G.K. Chesterson

295. Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, And that's what parents were created for. --Ogden Nash

296. A life of ease is a difficult pursuit. --William Cowper

297. A lie has speed, but truth has endurance. --Edgar J. Mohn

298. You must get involved to have an impact. No one is impressed with the won-lost record of the referee. --John H. Holcomb

299. Dissimilarity of habit tends more than anything to destroy affection. --Aristotle

300. A man speaks of what he knows, a woman of what pleases her: the one requires knowledge, the other taste. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

301. Only some of us can learn by other people's mistakes. The rest of us have to be the other people. --Chicago Tribune

302. I have lived in this world just long enough to look carefully the second time into things that I am the most certain of the first time. --Josh Billings

303. An argument is the longest distance between two points of view. --Dan Bennett

304. I have a good, hearty laugh and an energetic handshake, and those are trump cards. --Albert Camus

305. Too often we seek justice for just us. --James Thom

306. Perhaps you seek too much...as a result of your seeking you cannot find. --Herman Hesse

307. Sex is not love; love is not sex. But the best of both worlds is created when they come together. --Madonna

308. Be yourself. Who else is better qualified? --Reader's Digest

309. Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy but socially dead. --Yakko from the Animaniacs

310. A friend is someone who stays by your side all through the troubles he's caused you. --Marilyn vos Savant

311. Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow. --James A. Michener

312. Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have. --Reader's Digest

313. Time is a versatile performer. It flies, marches on, heals all wounds, runs out, and will tell. --Franklin P. Jones

314. If you come to a fork in the road, take it. ---Yogi Berra

315. It is so pleasant to come across people more stupid than ourselves. We love them at once for being so. - Jerome K. Jerome

316. You can't really be strong until you see a funny side to things. --Reader's Digest

317. Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof. --John K. Galbraith

318. Rhett Butler (to Scarlet O'hara): You need to be kissed, and often, by someone who knows how.
Scarlet:You think you are the man to do it?
Rhett:No, because that is what you want!!! ---Gone With the Wind

319. Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. - Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977

320. A genius is one who shoots at something no one else can see, and hits it. --The Lutheran Digest

321. I'm like a child trying to do everything say everything and be everything all at once. --John Hartford

322. A man who enjoys responsibility usually gets it. A man who merely likes exercising authority usually loses it. --Reader's Digest

323. The articulation of experience is among the hallmarks of a self- determining individual or community. --Lugones & Spelman

324. If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion and avoid the people, you might better stay at home. --James A. Michener

325. Fame is a cancer and ego: its seed. --Toad the Wet Sprocket

326. Get someone else to blow your horn and the sound will carry twice as far. --Will Rogers

327. Seeking means: to have a goal; but finding mean: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal. --Herman Hesse

328. If you really want the last word in an argument, try saying, 'I guess you're right.' --Funny Funny World

329.Frustration is commonly the difference between what you would like to be and what you are willing to sacrifice to become what you would like to be.--Reader's Digest

330. It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. --Darren Weinberg

331. I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. --August Strindberg

332. Civilization is a movement and not a condition, a voyage and not a harbor. --Arnold Toynbee

333. Poise: The ability to be ill at ease inconspicuously. --Earl Wilson

334. The CONSPIRACY has been PULLING YOUR PANTS DOWN and REVEALING YOUR NAKED BUTTS to the entire viewing audience! --Unknown SubGenius

335. Whatever your lot in life, build something on it. --Reader's Digest

336. Many people feel "guilty" about things they shouldn't feel guilty about, in order to shut out feelings of guilt about things they should feel guilty about. --Sydney J. Harris

337. There is nothing harder than the softness of indifference. --Juan Montalvo

338. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. --Unknown

339. After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose,they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. --- P. J. O'Rourke

340. Solitude is a good place to visit but a poor place to stay. --Josh Billings

341. To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly. --Henri Bergson

342. Thought is action in rehersal. --Reader's Digest

343. Dreams and dedication are a powerful combination. --William Longgood

344. Don't be troubled if the temptation to give advice is irresistible; the ability to ignore it is universal. --Reader's Digest

345. Blessed are they who have nothing to say and who cannot be persuaded to say it. --James Russell Lowell

346. I travel a lot; I hate having my life disrupted by routine. ---Caskie Stinnett

347. Some people never go insane... what truly horrible lives they must lead. ---Charles Bukowski, Ham on Rye

348. A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it. --Jean de La Fontaine

349. Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! --Unknown

350. Sainthood emerges when you can listen to someone's tale of woe and not respond with a description of your own. --Andrew V. Mason, M.D.

351. There are only two industries that refer to their customers as 'users'. --Edward Tufte

352. The wise leader speaks rarely and briefly. After all, no other natural outpouring goes on and on. Ir rains and then it stops. It thunders and then it stops. --John Heider

353. The love of truth lies at the root of much humor. --Robertson Davies

354. The reason many persons don't see things in the right perspective is that they are always looking for an angle. --The Mountain Ear

355. It takes two to speak truth--one to speak and another to hear. --Henry David Thoreau

356. Pleasure leaves a fingerprint as surely as mortal pain...in memories they resonate and echo back again. --Rush: Presto

357. That which we call sin in others is experiment for us. --Ralph Waldo Emerson

358. War is the extension of Politics through the means of force. -- Sun Tzu

359. God damn the wounds that show how deep a word can cut. --Toad the Wet Sprocket

360. Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. --Erica Jong

361. I have lived too long with cautious thinking. Now I will make myself mad. --Rumi

362. It is a lot easier to prove that you don't love someone than it is to prove that you do, but one of the best 'proofs' I know is the desire to devote time to the person with no expectation of any sort of compensation, including gratitude, in return. --Marilyn vos Savant

363.In every truth, the opposite is equally true. A truth can only be expressed and enveloped in words if it is one-sided. --Herman Hesse

364. The best discipline, maybe the only discipline that really works, is self- discipline. --Walter Kiechel III

365. One person with a belief is a social power equal to 99 who have only interests. --John Stuart Mill

366. Don't make friends who are comfortable to be with. Make friends who will force you to lever yourself up. --Thomas J. Watson, Sr.

367. The fear of death keeps us from living, not from dying. --Paul C. Roud

368. The way we love inevitably defeats the ends of love. Defeat in love engulfs our whole personality. --Elizabeth Rapaport

369. Nothing will be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome. --Golden Principle

370. The optimist already sees the scar over the wound; the pessimist still sees the wound beneath the scar. --Ernst Schroder

371.A good leader needs to stand behind his or her followers as often as he or she needs to stand in front of them. --Marilyn vos Savant

372. It is only about things that do not interest one that one can give a really unbiased opinion, which is no doubt the reason why an unbiased opinion is always valueless. --Oscar Wilde

373. Boast is always a cry of despair, except in the young it is a cry of hope. --Bernard Berenson

374. I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it. --Frank A. Clark

375. A thing moderately good is not so good as it ought to be. Moderation in temper is always a virtue; but moderation in principle is always a vice. --Thomas Paine

376. When you run into someone who is disagreeable to others, you may be sure he is uncomfortable with himself; the amount of pain we inflict upon others is directly proportional to the amount we feel within us. --Sydney J. Harris

378. It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument. --William G. McAdoo

379. The two words "information" and "communication" are often used interchangeably, but they signify quite different things. Information is giving out; communication is getting through. --Sydney J. Harris

380. If time is not real, then the dividing line between this world and eternity, between suffering and bliss, between good and evil, is also an illusion. --Herman Hesse

381. Change is a measure of time and, in the autumn, time seems speeded up. What was is not and never again will be; what is is change. --Edwin Way Teale

382. Don't throw away the old bucket until you know whether the new one holds water. --Swedish proverb

384. Everyone complains of his memory, and nobody complains of his judgment. --La Rochefoucald

385. Success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your hunger, but it won't taste good. --Joe Paterno

386. A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both. --Reader's Digest

387. If you truly want to understand something, try to change it. --Kurt Lewin

388. Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. --Thomas F. Jones, Jr.

389. We don't know who we are until we see what we can do. --Martha Grimes

390. There are times when silence has the loudest voice. --Leroy Brownlow

391. We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones. --Andrew A. Rooney

392. It is never wise to seek or wish for another's misfortune. If malice or envy were tangible and had a shape, it would be the shape of a boomerang. --Charley Reese

393. What we do not understand we do not possess. --Goethe

394. Change, like sunshine, can be a friend or a foe, a blessing or a curse, a dawn or a dusk. --William Arthur Ward

395. Expect people to be better than they are; it helps them to become better. But don't be disappointed when they are not; it helps them to keep trying. --Merry Browne

396. The only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him. --Henry L. Stimson

397. Accomplishments have no color. --Leontyne Price

398. Sigh: An amplifier for people who suffer in silence. --Orben's Current Comedy

399. To have a right to do a thing is not at all the same as to be right in doing it. --G.K. Chesterson

400. Our creator would never have made such lovely days and have given us the deep hearts to enjoy them unless we were meant to be immortal. --Nathaniel Hawthorne

401. There is nothing worse than being a doer with nothing to do. --Elizabeth Layton

402. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is big enough to take away everything you have.---Gerald R Ford

403. A place is yours when you know where all the roads go. --Stephen King

404. "Someday, after we have mastered the winds, the waves, the tide and gravity, we shall harness for God the energies of love. Then, for the second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire." -TEILHARD DE CHARDIN

405. Fate determines who comes into our lives Our attitude and actions determine who stays in our lives. --Javan

406. Beauty is only skin deep...but ugly goes all the way to the bone!

407. The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said. --Peter F. Drucker

408. We have a balance of $84.32 in the bank... Which makes us four-and-a- half trillion dollars richer than the federal government. --Woman balancing checkbook, cartoon by Jim Borgman

409. "The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth." --Ken Dykes

410. "The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. One should, for example, be able to see that things are hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise." ---F. Scott Fitzgerald

411. The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude. --William James

412. We all admire the wisdom of people who come to us for advice. --Jack Herbert

413. One cannot collect all the beautiful shells on the beach. One can collect only a few, and they are more beautiful if they are few. --Anne Morrow Lindbergh

414. "Of course I'm drunk! What do you think I am? A stunt driver?" --Seen on a bumper sticker

415. Advice is least heeded when most needed. --English proverb

416. "You may be capable of great things, but life consists of small things."--Deng Ming-Dao

417. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.

418. Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone. --Pablo Picasso

419. The only prize cared for by the powerful is power. The prize of the General is not a bigger tent, but command. ---Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. Law and the Court, 1913.

420. Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.

421. Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms, and they'll call you crazy. - "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"

422. It's spring fever--you don't know quite what it is you want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so. --Mark Twain

423. No one can give you better advice than yourself. --Cicero

424. Things are only impossible until they're not. --Jean-Luc Picard

425. "Any idiot can face a crisis--it's this day-to-day living that wears you out."--Anton Chekhov

426. In the beginning the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. -- from "The Restaraunt at the End of the Universe"

427. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. --Never Give A Sucker An Even Break (1941)

428. What do butterflies get in their stomachs when they are nervous? --Mary H. Waldrip

429. The best remedy for a short temper is a long walk. --Jacqueline Schiff

430. Half the failures in life arise from pulling in one's horse as he is leaping. --Julius & Augustus Hare

431. When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. --- Robert Heinlein

432. Let no one who loves be unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow --James Mathhew Barrie

433. You have offended yourself. I have done nothing but exist. --Scott Safier

434. It is not the path which is the difficulty; rather, it is the difficulty which is the path. ---Soren Kierkegaard

435. If we live good lives, the times are good. As we are, such are the times. --St. Augustine

436. Everything looks impossible for the people who never try anything. --Jean-Louis Etienne

437. "It wasn't until I had performed by first autopsy that I realized that even the drabest human exteriors could contain the most beautiful viscera. After that, I would console myself for the plainness of my fellow bus-riders by dissecting them in my imagination." ---J. B. S. Haldane

438. Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas. --Paula Poundstone


439. If a thing is worth doing, it's worth doing well - unless doing it well takes so long that it isn't worth doing any more. Then you just do it 'good enough'. - Larry Wall and Randal Schwartz in Programming perl

440. Few wishes come true by themselves. --June Smith

441. Some things have to be believed to be seen. --Ralph Hodgson

442. Courage is not the towering oak that sees storms come and go; it is the fragile blossom that opens in the snow. --Alice M. Swaim

443. The more sympathy you give, the less you need. --Malcolm S. Forbes

444. There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning. --Louis L'Amour

445. We, ordinary people--sometimes frightened a little--hiding our secret hopes--want an ordinary love--need someone to hold. --Basia

446. What is the essence of America? Finding and maintaining that perfect, delicate balance between freedom "to" and freedom "from." --Marilyn vos Savant

447. There are two sides to every story--at least. --Ann Landers

448. You never know what makes some people tick until they begin to unwind. --Changing Times

449. The very essence of leadership is that you have to have a vision. You can't blow an uncertain trumpet. --Theodore Hesburgh

450. The essence of terrorism is that one never knows when is the wrong time and where is the wrong place. --Carole Sheffield

451. Discipline is remembering what you want. --David Campbell

452. Among those whom I like, I can find no common denominator; but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh. --W.H. Auden

453. Most people spend their entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference to this world. The Marines don't have that problem. --President Ronald Reagan, 1985

454. Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me. -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

455. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. --Walt West

456. Nature gave women too much power; the law gives them too little. --Will Henry

457. Rumor is one thing that gets thicker as you spread it. --Mary H. Waldrip

458. They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.-- Benjamin Franklin, Historical Review of Pennsylvania, 1759

459. The defect of equality is that we desire it only with our superiors. --Henry Becque

460. God gave us our memories so that we might have roses in December. --James M. Barrie

461. Worry is today's mouse eating tomorrow's cheese. --Larry Eisenberg

462. The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree, but to hold hands. --Alexandra Penney

463. Never be kissed by a fool, and don't be fooled by a kiss. --Unknown

464. He who stands for nothing will fall for anything. --"Graffiti"

465. The most manifest sign of wisdom is continued cheerfulness. --Montaigne

466. The Constitution shall never be construed to prevent the people of the United States who are peaceable citizens from keeping their own arms. -- Samuel Adams, During Massachusetts' U.S. Constitution ratification convention, 1788

467. Time neither subtracts nor divides, but adds at such a pace it seems like multiplication. --Bob Talbert

468. Let not thy will roar, when thy power can but whisper. --Thomas Fuller

469. Women like a man who is tall, dark, and has some. --William J. Meehan

470. It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. --Abraham Lincoln

471. Laws that forbid the carrying of arms... disarm only those who are neither inclined nor determined to committ crimes... Such laws make things worse for the assualted and better for the assailants; they serve to encourage rather than to prevent homicides, for an unarmed man may be attacked with greater confidence than an armed man. -- Thomas Jefferson, Quoting 18th Century criminologist Cesare Beccaria in On Crimes and Punishment, 1764

472. Adversity attracts the man of character. He seeks out the bitter joy of responsibility. --Charles de Gaulle

473. If at first you don't succeed, you are running about average. --M.H. Alderson

474. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. --Lucille S. Harper

475. Part of me wants to call you up and talk to you like a friend, and there's a part of me that wants to shut you out and never see your face again. --Wilson Phillips

476. Curiosity is the wick in the candle of learning. --William A. Ward

477. We are half ruined by conformity, but we should be wholly ruined without it. --Charles Dudley Warner

478. God put me on earth to do a certain number of things, and right now I am so far behind, I will never die! -- Calvin and Hobbs

479. The next best thing to knowing something is knowing where to find it. --The Ensign

480. Those who know the least know it the loudest. --Joan Tosti

481. Tact is the rare ability to keep silent while two friends are arguing, and you know both of them are wrong. --Hugh Allen

482. We experience moments absolutely free from worry. These brief respites are called panic. --Cullen Hightower

483. No one has completed his education who has not learned to live with an insoluble problem. --Edmund J. Kiefer

484. Perhaps the angels who fear to tread where fools rush in used to be fools who rushed in. --Franklin P. Jones

485. It's not a question of who's going to throw the first stone; it's a question of who's going to start building with it. --Sloan Wilson

486. Since Auschwitz we know what man is capable of. And since Hiroshima we know what is at stake. - Dr. Viktor E. Frankl

487. Tell the boss what you really think of him...and the truth shall set you free. --Railway Clerk

488. The shortest distance between two points is usually torn up. --Frank Walsh

489. Never close your lips to those to whom you have opened your heart. --Charles Dickens

490. It is not power that corrupts, but fear. Fear of losing power corrupts. -Aung San Suu Kyi

491. Conversation means being able to disagree and still continue the discussion. --Dwight MacDonald

492. Science has promised us truth. It has never promised us either peace or happiness. --Gustave Le Bon

491. Success has a simple formula: do your best, and people may like it. --Sam Ewing

492. One advantage in growing older is that you can stand for more and fall for less. --Monta Crane

493. Protest long enough that you are right, and you will be wrong. --Yiddish Proverb

494. The better we feel about ourselves, the fewer times we have to knock somebody else down to feel tall. --Odetta

495. There are so many men who can figure costs, and so few who can measure values. --California Tribune

496. If a man can see both sides of a problem, you know that none of his money is tied up in it. --Verda Ross

497. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love. --Erich Fromm

498. Love is something eternal; the aspect may change, but not the essence. --Vincent Van Gough

499. One morning, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I don't know. --Animal Crackers

500. You're not too smart, are you? I like that in a man. -- Body Heat

501. The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said. --Peter F. Drucker

502. Take things as they come. But try to make things come as you would like to take them. --Curt Goetz

503. There's a bit of ancient wisdom that appeals to us: it's a saying that a fight starts only with the second blow. --Hugh Allen

504. An aim in life is the only fortune worth finding. --Robert Louis Stevenson

505. Maturity begins when we're content to feel we're right about something without feeling the necessity to prove someone else wrong. --Sydney J. Harris

506. When a deep injury is done us, we never recover until we forgive. --Alan Paton

507. A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down. --Arnold H. Glasow

508. Not the fastest horse can catch a word spoken in anger. --Chinese Proverb

509. We all live under the same sky, but we don't have the same horizon. --Konrad Adenauer

510. In labors of love, every day is payday. --Gaines Brewster

511. The trouble with not having a goal is that you can spend your life running up and down the field and never scoring. --Bill Copeland

512. Fools live to regret their words, wise men to regret their silence. --Will Henry

513. Kindness is never wasted. If it has no effect on the recipient, at least it benefits the bestower. --New Speakers Handbook

514. Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself. --Bits & Pieces

515. A book, tight shut, is but a block of paper. --Chinese proverb

516. In a war of ideas, it is people who get killed. --Anonymous

517. Pay no attention to what the critics say. A statue has never been erected in honor of a critic. --Jean Sibelius

518. Success is often the result of taking a misstep in the right direction. --Al Bernstein

519. Dancing is the poetry of the foot. --John Dryden



520. Beware of people who fall at your feet. They may be reaching for the corner of the rug. --Bill Baker

521. When you are in deep water, it's a good idea to keep your mouth shut. --St. Louis Tribune

522. Let the other fellow find out who you are. He'll remember it longer. --Wall Street Journal

523. No one really listens to anyone else. Try it for a while, and you'll see why. --Mignon McLaughlin

524. A certain amount of opposition is a great help to a man. Kites rise against, not with the wind. --John Neal

525. Might does not make right; it only makes history. --Jim Fiebig

526. Knowledge is gained by learning; trust by doubt; skill by practice; and love by love. --Thomas Szasz

527. Love me or hate me, but spare me your indifference. --Libbie Fudim

528.We live by engouragement and die without it--slowly, sadly, angrily. --Celeste Holm

529. People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes. --Abigail Van Buren

530. Compromise is simply changing the question to fit the answer. --Merrit Malloy

531. A true friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be anywhere else. --Len Wein

532. Change starts when someone sees the next step. --William Drayton

533. The speed of the leader determines the rate of the pack. --Wayne Lukas

534. It takes as much courage to have tried and failed as it does to have tried and succeeded. --Anne Morrow Lindbergh

535. Success is knowing the difference between cornering people and getting them in your corner. --Bill Copeland

536. A hammer sometimes misses its mark--a bouquet never. --Monta Crane

537. The greatest pleasure I know is to do a good action by stealth and have it found out by accident. --Charles Lamb

538. It is the eyes of other people that ruin us. If all but myself were blind, I should want neither a fine house nor fine furniture. --Benjamin Franklin

539. A habit is something you can do without thinking--which is why most of us have so many of them. --Frank A. Clark

540. Using today to mop up yesterday wipes out tomorrow. --Carol Hardgrove

541. Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. --Will Rogers

542. When people tell you how young you look, they are also telling you how old you are. --Cary Grant

543. Time is a circus, always packing up and moving away. --Ben Hecht

544. We need to learn to set our course by the stars, not by the lights of every passing ship. --Omar Bradley

545. You are not a fool just because you have done something foolish--only if the folly of it escapes you. --Jim Fiebig

546. The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time. --Dean Acheson

547. Deceiving someone for his own good is a responsibility that should be shouldered only by the gods. --Henry S. Haskins

548. The future is the past returning through another gate. --Arnold H. Glasow

549. Yes, there is a Nirvana; it is in leading your sheep to a green pasture, and in putting your child to sleep, and in writing the last line of your poem. --Kahlil Gibran

550. They say TV really is still in its infancy, which helps to explain why you have to get up so often to change it. --Linda Erdman

551. Considering what experience costs, it should be the best teacher. --Mississippi News

552. Children are not things to be molded, but are people to be unfolded. --Jess Lair

553. Today, having a change of heart is more than a figure of speech. --Alabama Star

554. Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation. --Harold Coffin

555. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. --Omni

556. The kindest word in all the world is the unkind word, unsaid. --Official Crossword Puzzles

557. People in distress will sometimes prefer a problem that is familiar to a solution that is not. --Neil Postman

558. Those who imagine that the world is against them have generally conspired to make it true. --Sydney J. Harris

559. You have to be careful about being too careful. --Beryl Pfizer

560. A friend is someone who can see through you and still enjoys the show. --Farmer's Almanac

561. Progress is a line through a list. --L.D. McClanahan

562. How a man plays the game shows something of his character; how he loses shows all of it. --Georgia Tribune

563. The more a man knows, the more he forgives. --Catherine the Great

564. A knife of the keenest steel requires the whetstone, and the wisest man needs advice. --Zoroaster

565. Fish for no compliments; they are generally caught in shallow water. --D. Smith

566. Words without ideas are like sails without wind. --Courier-Record

567. You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him. --James D. Miles

568. People far prefer happiness to wisdom, but that is like wanting to be immortal without getting older. --Sydney J. Harris

569. To ease another's heartache is to forget one's own. --Abraham Lincoln

570. Praise is like champagne; it should be served while it is still bubbling. --Robins Reader

571. Never underestimate a woman...unless you're talking about her age or weight. --C.T.

572. We can't all be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by. --Will Rogers

573. Love endures only when the lovers love many things together and not merely each other. --Walter Lippmann

574. I always prefer to believe the best of everybody--it saves so much trouble. --Rudyard Kipling

575. There's no point in burying the hatchet if you're going to put up a marker on the site. --Sydney J. Harris

576. He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck. --H. Herth

577. It would be nice if the poor were to get even half of the money that is spent in studying them. --Bill Vaughan

578. Plan ahead--it wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark. --General Features Corporation

579. The true test of humility is whether you can say grace before eating crow. --Orben's Current Comedy

580. We probably wouldn't worry about what people think of us if we could know how seldom they do. --Olin Miller

581. Good luck is with the man who doesn't include it in his plan. --Graffitti

582. The soldiers fight, and the kings are heroes. --Jewish Proverb

583. People seem to get nostalgic about a lot of things they weren't so crazy about the first time around. --Webster's Crosswords

584. Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong. Sometimes it's letting go. --Sylvia Robinson

585. A child on a farm sees a plane fly overhead and dreams of a faraway place. A traveler on the plane sees the farmhouse...and dreams of home. --Carl Burns

586. Nothing prevents us from being natural so much as the desire to appear so. --La Rochefoucald

587. Love is what you've been through with somebody. --James Thurber

588. Patience often gets the credit that belongs to fatigue. --Franklin P. Jones

589. After all is said and done, more has usually been said than done. --Michael W. Hamrick

590. Remarks that are uncalled for are frequently delivered. --Selma Glasser

591. "Do you want my honest opinion?" People ask. I say, "Yes," for I'm curious. So they give me their honest opinion, And I--well, I'm always furious. --Richard Armour

592. The quickest way to become an old dog is to stop learning new tricks. --John Rooney

593. It's remarkable that cold feet are often the result of burned fingers. --Kirk Kirkpatrick

594. Isn't it strange how often small talk comes in large doses? --W.A. Nance

595. The average girl would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. --The Circle

596. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. --Peter DeVries

597. Love may be blind, but it seems to be able to find its way around in the dark. --Ozzie St. George

598. Show me the man you honor, and I will know what kind of man you are. --Thomas Carlyle

599. My life is in the hands of any fool who makes me lose my temper. --Joseph Hunter

600. Everybody has the right to express what he thinks. That, of course, lets the crackpots in. But if you cannot tell a crackpot when you see one, then you ought to be taken in. --Harry S. Truman

601. We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know because they have never deceived us. --Samuel Johnson

602. Our memories are card indexes--consulted, and then put back in disorder, by authorities whom we do not control. --Cyril Connolly

603. A perfect wife is one who doesn't expect a perfect husband. --Anonymous

604. The main discomfort in being a middle-of-the-roader is that you get sideswiped by partisans going in both directions. --Sydney J. Harris

605. If you treat a sick child like an adult and a sick adult like a child, everything usually works out pretty well. --Ruth Carlisle

606. If at first you do succeed, try, try not to be a bore. --Franklin P. Jones

607. The truest test of independent judgment is being able to dislike someone who admires us, and to admire someone who dislikes us. --Sydney J. Harris

608. If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size? --Sydney J. Harris

609. Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. --Paul Tillich

610. The trouble with putting armor on is that, while it protects you from pain, it also protects you from pleasure. --Celeste Holm

611. Many a standing ovation has been caused by someone jumping to his feet in an effort to beat the rest of the audience to the parking lot. --Earl Wilson

612. There are more self-marred people in the world than there are self-made. --Arnold H. Glasow

613. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without it. --The Miles Glassette

614. The idea of Utopia is mischievous as well as unrealistic. And dull, to boot. Man is born pushing and shoving as the sparks fly upward. --Journal of D. Lilienthal

615. Nothing dies so hard, or rallies so often, as intolerance. --Henry Ward Beecher

616. If you think that one individual can't make a difference in the world, consider what one cigar can do in a nine-room house. --Bill Vaughan

617. He who fishes for compliments can expect to be handed a line. --Ivern Ball

618. Men show their character in nothing more clearly than by what they think laughable. --Goethe

619. For happiness one needs security, but joy can spring like a flower even from the cliffs of despair. --Anne Morrow Lindbergh

620. It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water. --Franklin P. Jones

621. He who's always blowing a fuse is usually in the dark. --Franklin P. Jones

622. I had come in time to learn that it was a mistake to smile a friendly smile when somebody made a fool of me. --Marcel Proust

623. If moral behavior were simply following rules, we could program a computer to be moral. --Samuel P. Ginder

624. A ship in harbor is safe--but that is not what ships are for. --John A. Shedd

625. Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me. -- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

626. Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects. --Arnold H. Glasow

627. Sentimentality is no indication of a warm heart. Nothing weeps more copiously than a chunk of ice. --Life Today

628. It may be true that the weak will always be driven to the wall; but it is the task of a just society to see that the wall is climbable. --Sydney J. Harris

629. It's important that people know what you stand for. It's equally important that they know what you won't stand for. --Mary H. Waldrip

630. No person can be a great leader unless he takes genuine joy in the successes of those under him. --W.A. Nance

631. You can't expect a person to see eye to eye with you when you're looking down on him. --Bits & Pieces

632. One thing about experience is that when you don't have very much you're apt to get a lot. --Franklin P. Jones

633. Words must surely be counted among the most powerful drugs man ever invented. --Leo Rosten

634. You can't test courage cautiously. --Annie Dillard

635. The same fence that shuts others out shuts you in. --Bill Copeland

636. In war there is no second prize for the runner-up. --General Omar N. Bradley

637. You can lean over backward so far that you fall flat on your face. --Ben H. Bagdikian

638. If there is anything we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is something that could better be changed in ourselves. --C.G. Jung

639. If I were to begin life again, I should want it as it was. I would only open my eyes a little more. --The Journal of J. Renard

640. Shared joy is double joy and shared sorrow is half-sorrow. --Swedish Proverb

641. The surest way to lose a friend is to tell him something for his own good. --Sid Ascher

642. Grow angry slowly--there's plenty of time. --Ralph Waldo Emerson

643. Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no bird sang there except those that sang best. --Henry Van Dyke

644. He who cannot forgive others destroys the bridge over which he himself must pass. --George Herbert

645.Nature does make mistakes: sometimes she puts all the bones in the head and none in the back. --Texas Herald

646. Character is much easier kept than recovered. --Thomas Paine

647. That person proves his worth who can make us want to listen when he is with us and think when he is gone. --Quoted in Grit

648. The respect of those you respect is worth more than the applause of the multitude. --Arnold H. Glasow

649. You can suffocate a thought by expressing it with too many words. --Frank A. Clark

650. Anybody can be a heart specialist. The only requirement is loving somebody. --Angie Papadakis

651. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. -- Dylan Thomas

652. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains. A pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. -- Jerry Seinfeld

653. Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. --Montaigne

654. Romance is for the brave - it requires us to get past our fear, to expose ourselves to the possibility of pain, and put the losses of the past in the perspective of the time we spent in the delirium of love and passion. It is an arena without protection - when we hold back, even the slightest, we lose the fertile ground that romance requires to bloom. So we choose: safety, or the chance to feel alive again in the arms and eyes of another.
Good luck to the brave - may you find what you are searching for. To the safe, may your travels alone bring you some degree of solice." -- Author Unknown.

655. Some cry: Love me!! Others: Don't love me!! But a certain genus, the worst and most unhappy, cries: Don't love me and be faithful to me!! --Albert Camus

656. In prosperity, our friends know us; in adversity, we know our friends. --John C. Collins

657. The actions of men are the best interpreters of their thoughts. -- John Locke

658. It is love, not reason, that is stronger than death. --Thomas Mann

659. Many men go fishing all of their lives without knowing that it is not fish they are after. -- Henry David Thoreau

660. For you see, each day I love you more, Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow. --Rosemonde Gerard

661. Love seeketh not Itself to please, Nor for itself hath any care, But for another gives it ease, And builds a Heaven in Hell's despair. --William Blake

662. Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today. --James Dean

663. I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. --Voltaire

664. I haven’t been everywhere, but it’s on my list. --Susan Sontag

665. A part of you has grown in me. And so you see, it's you and me together forever and never apart, maybe in distance, but never in heart. --Unknown

666. Set me as a seal upon thy heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death. --The Bible

667. Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to discover your mistakes. --Antisthenes

668. Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. --Tallulah Bankhead

669. A small town is a place where there is little to see or do, but what you hear makes up for it. --Ivern Ball

670. People need responsibility. They resist assuming it, but they cannot get along without it. --John Steinbeck

671. Kids need love the most when they're acting most unlovable. --Erma Bombeck

672. If we judge of love by its usual effects, it resembles hatred more than friendship. --La Rochefoucauld

673. One Youngster was explaining to another what "mixed emotions" meant. "It's like watching the school burn down when your new catcher's mitt is in your desk," he said.

674. The graceful ivy, clasping the oak that supported it, would form a whole in which strength and beauty would be equally conspicuous. -- Mary Wollstonecraft

675. Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia --- Charles Schultz

676. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice... for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so.

677. "Then the insurance man told me that the accident policy covered falling off the roof but not hitting the ground." - Tommy Cooper

678. "They have luggage stores in airports. Who forgets their suitcase? Have you ever seen a guy with an armload of shirts going, 'Hurray, a suitcase?'" - Jay Mohr

679. Luckily I've got a woman who loves me for my money and my fame, and not for who I am.-Rodney Dangerfield

680. Oh, my wife can spend money. I mean, who tips at a tollbooth? Now she tells me she wants plastic surgery. She got plastic surgery- I cut up her credit cards." - Rodney Dangerfield

681. "With my wife I don't get no respect. I got no sex life. In my house we put the mirror over the dogs bed." - Rodney Dangerfield

682. "Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from a friend's forehead." --Chinese Proverb

683. When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. - Prince Philip

684. "A dog recently saved his owner's life, because he had been trained to dial 911. Unfortunately, operators had trouble finding the address 'woof, woof.'" - Norm McDonald

685. "What is causing this traffic congestion? According to a report from the U.S. Department of Transportation, which recently completed a six-year, $187.3 million study of the problem, the root cause is, quote, 'a whole lot of people driving.'" - Dave Barry

686. "Always go to other peoples' funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours." -- Yogi Berra

687. "If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?" - George Carlin

688. Perhaps sport should accept sponsorship from the Mafia. They kill fewer people than smoking. - Alan Hubbard, journalist

689. "Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. You've met your New Year's resolution." - Jay Leno

690. You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" -- Sean Connery

691. According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. -- Robert De Niro

692. I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it. -- Bill Cosby

693. We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." -- Elayne Boosler

694. There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? -- Dustin Hoffman

695. There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." -- Jerry Seinfield

696. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -- George Clooney

697. The problem with the designated driver program is, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. -- Jeff Bridges

698. Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. -- Rod Stewart

699. "Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food-preparation area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just WATCHING. Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders, and they had an idea: They could sit on the boulders and watch! This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television." - Dave Barry

700. "The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows." --Aristotle Onassis

701. "What do batteries run on?" - Steven Wright

702. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

703. "Now all the buses want exact change. I figure if I give them exact change, they should take me exactly where I want to go." - Unknown

704. "Anyone who's led a flawless life is hopelessly imperfect." -- Yasha Harari

705. "To you taxpayers out there, let me say this: Make sure you file your tax return on time! And remember that, even though income taxes can be a 'pain in the neck,' the folks at the IRS are regular people just like you, except that they can destroy your life." - Dave Barry

706. "According to 'Newsweek,' the big trend now among teenagers is coed slumber parties. Slumber parties where they invite both sexes and the parents allow it. Actually, when I was in high school, I remember boys and girls slept together all the time. We called it algebra class." - Jay Leno

707. Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done. -Ernie Kovacs

708. "My wife and I went to Spain for our honeymoon. We get to fly free because of my wife's job. She's a terrorist." - Brian Kiley

709. "Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs." - P.J. O'Rourke

710. "I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell,'Whoa, I'm way too high!'" - Bruce Baum

711. "It's not a mistake until someone discovers what you've done wrong." - Crystal

712. "We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have." - Frederick Koenig

713. "The price of Prozac went up 50% last year. When they asked Prozac users how they felt about this they said, "Whatever..."- Conan O'Brien

714. The fellow who's busy pulling on the oars hasn't got time to rock the boat. - Oarsmen's proverb

715. "I hated math. Math teachers would ask me questions. 'Mr. Kinney, can you tell us the common denominator here?' Yeah, we all think this sucks." - David Kinney

716. "An egotist is a man who plays too big a part in his own life." - Mo Dest

717. "It's not true that I said "actors are cattle." I said "they should be treated like cattle." - Alfred Hitchcock

718. "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball." - Jack Lemmon

719. "Flattery is the art of telling a person exactly what s/he thinks of himself." - Anonymous

720. "If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people." - Unknown

721. "Some of the narrowest minds are found in the fattest heads." - Anonymous

722. "The answer isn't always blowing in the wind, like the song says. Sometimes the answer is just someone passing gas. It really depends on the question." - Sean Buckley

723. ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

724. "It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics." - Fletcher Knebel

725. Sorry - yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.

726. "When things go wrong, don't go with them."

727. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by you again?

728. "Don't make me come down there!" -God

729. Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.

730. "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." - Rita Rudner

731. "If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!" - Jack Handey

732. "A mind once stretched by a new idea never regains its original dimension." -Oliver Wendell Holmes

733. "Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart." - Erma Bombeck

734. If a pig loses its voice is it disgruntled?

735. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. -Jackie Mason

736. "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." - Steven Wright

737. Streakers beware: Your end is in sight!

738. If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kick boxing.

739. "Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark." - Steven Wright

740. "The state of Michigan's legislature has just passed a law allowing the blind to hunt deer. The biggest supporters of the new law? THE DEER." - Norm McDonald

741. Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

742. "I saw something stupid in the paper today - a new alarm clock that makes no noise. It's for people who don't like loud noises, instead it slowly hits you with light and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already have one of those - it's called a window." - Jay Leno

743. Seen on a poster for staff working in a Hospital Maternity unit: "Remember, the first 5 minutes of life are the most dangerous." Comment added below: "The last few minutes are pretty dodgy too!"

744. If this car is being driven safely, call the cops - it's been stolen!

745. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.

746. "After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'" - Ronnie Shakes

747. "It's a good thing Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address the year that he did, or else that "four score and seven years" part would have just been plain wrong." - Paul Paternoster

748. Please do not complain about the coffee. You'll be old and weak someday, too!

749. I couldn't help but laugh when I saw these words scrawled on the condom machine in a service station Men's Room, "This gum tastes like rubber!"

750. "Sometimes when I'm home alone, thinking of that special person who is sitting at home at the same time, just waiting to meet me, I think to myself, 'What a loser this chick must be to sit at home by herself and think of some guy she's never met.'" - Jon Paul

751. "I'll bet the first convenience stores were nothing more than caves where you could buy sticks and rocks and microwave burritos." - Art Bugsch

752. Don't go through life, GROW through life. -Eric Butterworth

753. A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study - Duh. - Conan O'Brien

754. "My mother buried three husbands. And two of them were only taking a nap!" -Rita Rudner

755. "My girlfriend came up to me the other day and introduced me to one of her male friends, and at first I didn't mind, since I'm not the jealous type. I just wish she hadn't started calling him "Sweetie" and living with him and having his kids and marrying him and stuff. It's really starting to make me wonder if she wants a future with me or not." - Derek Maness

756. "The most happy marriage I can picture or imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." --Samuel Taylor Coleridge

757. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

758. "Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents." - Billiam Coronel

759. "When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer." --Dave Berry

760. "On my income tax 1040 it says, 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away." - Tom Lehrer

761. "Well, you have a good case, technically, but in terms of justice and equity, it's got problems. So I think you'd be better off with a another lawyer, because the whole time I was up there talking to the jury, I'd be thinking to myself: 'You're a liar!' and I might just forget myself and say it out loud." -Abraham Lincoln

762. I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

763. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

764. "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." - George Burns

765. Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

766. "I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday'." - Steven Wright

767. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

768. "Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save." -Will Rogers

769. "When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns." - Jack Handey

770. The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. -George Bernard Shaw

771. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

772. "If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days." - Robin Williams

773. Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from the children.

774. "I know the difference between sadist and masochist... but you're going to have to beat it out of me." - Scott Leiter

775. One of the good things about laryngitis is that the people who have it can't tell you how miserable they are.

776. "I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, 'Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it.'" - Steven Wright

777. "I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me." -Monica Lewinsky (on the subject of weight loss)

778. "New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved." - Johnny Carson

779. "Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those exact words." - Woody Allen

780. Did you know that if all the methane gas a cow generates while chewing the cud were piped together, it would inflate an airship in 144 minutes?

781. "When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ....turned me over and said, Look ... twins!" - Rodney Dangerfield

782. Did you know that duelling is legal in Uruguay provided both parties are registered blood donors?

783. Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get. -Robert Orben

784. "A new study claims that mouth-to-mouth resuscitation is not necessary during CPR and it's better to skip right to chest compression. However, the study says that you're still required to snuggle for a half hour afterwards." - Conan O'Brien

785. Better a lie that heals than a truth that wounds. Proverb

786. "If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in, and there at the wheel is Captain Termite." - Jack Handey

787. Strange Law: In Texas, it is illegal to milk anybody else's cow except your own.

788. "Features in cars are getting too frivolous and stupid. For instance, why would I want my cruise control to print my Resume?" - Bob Roth

789. "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time I can really be myself" -Roseanne

790. I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue. -Richard Nixon

791. "Men are bachelors by choice. Sometimes it's their choice; sometimes it's the choice of the women they meet." -unknown

792. Don't run your fingers over my truck and I won't run my truck over your fingers.

793. This message was typed in front of a live studio audience!

794. "People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi." - Emo Philips

795. "Once the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."

796. Sorry, no fortune today. Enjoy your cookie.

797. "Warning signs that your lover is bored:
1. Passionate kisses
2. Frequent sighing
3. Moved, left no forwarding address."
- Matt Groening

798. She has antique jewelry. She got it when it was new.

799. "I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car." - Steven Wright

800. My boyfriend keeps talking about wanting to make it with two women at the same time. I really can't figure out why, though. If he can't satisfy one woman, what's the point of frustrating a second one?


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